paris has left the building

In the words of the great John McEnroe, “You CANNOT be serious.”

Paris Hilton, after 3 days (and if you ask me, only 2 of those should count), is home with a brand new accessory. No, not a tacky handbag or a tiny, yippy dog – an ankle bracelet. Due to supposed “medical reasons” and “overcrowding,” she’ll be confined to her home for 40 days and will be under the supervision of a probation officer. Right. And Martha Stewart was jailed for a year?

If the L.A. County Sheriff’s Office wanted to make an example of Ms. Hilton, they totally botched the job. Rumor has it, she was refusing to eat the food served to her while in prison. I can’t imagine these eating habits are too different from her normal routine. And she clearly took her sentence seriously – she didn’t stay at the MTV Movie Awards the whole time. Just long enough to have an excuse to get her extensions re-done for her mugshot before checking in to the slammer.

So, let me get this straight: I could get arrested for drunk driving, convicted of driving on a suspended license, starve myself in jail and receive my get-out-of-jail-free card? No? That route is reserved for people with more money than brains? Silly me. I guess I’ll just accept my lowly existence as a peon.

How long until Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters or Katie Couric (it’ll probably be her – she’s the youngest and “hippest”) end up at Paris’s house for an interview? How long until she gets a book deal? I can just see it – The Liberation of Paris: How to Be a High-Maintenance Heiress Behind Bars and Get Released After Spending Three Nights in a Pseudo-jail.